Couple Counseling
Truth be told, I’m a romantic at heart. I like to see couples get together and stay together, and I like to see people happy. But the realist in me is well aware of the many ways couples can get off track.
Couples will come to me with a wide variety of complaints, such as poor communication, extra-marital affairs, emotional affairs, lack of passion, problems with money, in-laws, or children, blended families, and more.
Regardless of the presenting problem, it’s often helpful to frame the issues in terms of underlying disappointments. What did you each you want or need from the relationship but felt you lost, or maybe didn’t get in the first place? What dreams or hopes did to you bring to the relationship, only to discover they were not being realized? Sometimes an argument is just what it seems, but other times it’s the tip of a metaphorical iceberg. We may have to dive below the surface of today’s argument to discover the true source of the agitation.
I help couples in different ways. I teach couples how to fight fair. I try to draw each of you out so you can air your grievances--but without emotional penalty. If one of you is prone to stonewalling (silence, distance, withdrawal), I will help you understand the reasons for this behavior (as well as the costs of it). If one of you is behaving in an unproductive manner, I will not try to make you the culprit for all of the relationship’s problems, but I will try to help you understand what this behavior might be about.
On occasion, I may ask each partner to take a personality inventory to help you both appreciate your differences. This can be enlightening, fun, and immensely useful, especially when we realize that some differences stem from temperament, the less changeable aspects of personality.
Couple therapy is not about taking sides or declaring one partner right and the other wrong. Rather, it’s about getting to the root causes of your problems, and it’s about helping you and your partner get the love, attention, and respect that you deserve.
