When a couple comes to their first session, frequently one or both parties will announce they have a “communication” problem. And indeed, this will often turn out to be very true.
As they sit next to each other on my couch, trying to talk about their perceptions of the problem, they'll often end up expressing frustration because their partner refuses to change. If he or she would just do X or Y, or stop doing Z, everything would be better, one of them wil say. Often, there is some truth to these statements, but unfortunately the stronger the finger-pointing the more likely their partner is to become defensive.
A defensive partner is not a person who is open to change. Typically, he/she feels attacked, which often turns into denials or counter-attacks. Both parties walk away from the dispute frustrated and the issue remains the same.
With enough attack / counterattack cycles, both parties in the relationship will begin to experience a build-up of animosity. Each failed cycle drives another wedge of distance between the couple. Some partners will retreat into angry silence under these conditions, whereas others may become more forceful in their accusations. Ultimately, the relationship will begin to break down. Intimacy will suffer, the marital friendship will fade, and one or both parties will begin to feel lonely within the relationship.
What we try to do in early couple work is interrupt the finger pointing and defensiveness so we can get to the underlying issues that are driving the couple’s distress. Often, this starts by helping both of you hone your skills in how to “fight fair.” We focus on the distinction between complaints and criticisms, and we pay particular attention to the process of repairing tears in the fabric of the relationship when they occur. How we implement this process may vary from couple to couple, but it frequently gives a place to start.
If the early work of couple counseling is about helping you and your partner break through patterns of defensiveness, the middle and later work is about focusing on the problems and issues that have gone unresolved.
Most of us have many expectations in our marriages or romantic relationships. We want love, affection, security, companionship, friendship, the fulfillment of sexual and emotional needs, and more. When we break through defensiveness and begin to engage in open and honest communication, we often discover that one or both of you is frustrated or disappointed because your expectations are not being met. The exploration of these issues takes courage, but the potential payoffs are big. Not only will you come to understand yourself and your partner better, but this sort of honest discussion often brings couples closer.
In this brief description, I make couple counseling sound more systematic than it really is. The truth is, each couple is different. Experienced counselors fit their methods to the couple, and not the other way around.
Ultimately, couple therapy is not about taking sides or declaring one partner right and the other wrong. Rather, it’s about getting to the root causes of your problems, and it’s about helping you and your partner get the love, attention, and respect that you deserve.