Why talk to a psychologist?
03/10/12
A psychologist will not solve your problems for you. What a psychologist can do, however, is join forces with you as you struggle to overcome emotional concerns. The difference is crucial.
Here are just some of the ways I can be of assistance:
I help people identify their blind-spots.
I help people translate the messages they’re getting from their psyche.
I help people understand other people.
I help people develop insight into their own motivations, patterns, and personality.
I help people create a workable plan for change.
I help people regain perspective, especially during times of distress, conflict, or fear.
I help people keep their goals in sight, especially when resistance kicks in.
I help people sort themselves out, or make sense of what has happened.
Never underestimate the power of join forces with someone as you seek to make progress in your life. I am all for independence, autonomy, and strength of character. But human beings accomplish some of their best work when they recruit others to help them achieve their goals.
If you need help, get it.
Don’t try to build your life boat alone. You might miss something.
Here are just some of the ways I can be of assistance:
I help people identify their blind-spots.
I help people translate the messages they’re getting from their psyche.
I help people understand other people.
I help people develop insight into their own motivations, patterns, and personality.
I help people create a workable plan for change.
I help people regain perspective, especially during times of distress, conflict, or fear.
I help people keep their goals in sight, especially when resistance kicks in.
I help people sort themselves out, or make sense of what has happened.
Never underestimate the power of join forces with someone as you seek to make progress in your life. I am all for independence, autonomy, and strength of character. But human beings accomplish some of their best work when they recruit others to help them achieve their goals.
If you need help, get it.
Don’t try to build your life boat alone. You might miss something.
Three Thoughts about Complex Problems
02/10/12
Examples of complex problems are:
1. Complex problems require special sensitivity and care. By its very nature, therapy –– i.e., talking about the difficult and problematic aspects of one’s life –- can stir up negative feelings, especially anxiety. If you struggle with a complex problem, negative feelings may be especially difficult for you to manage, and it’s the therapist’s job to be mindful of this and to make sure we don’t try to go too fast.
2. Complex problems requires a strong therapeutic bond. If you have a complex problem, you want to feel as though you and your therapist are a good team. You both agree upon the goals for therapy; you feel comfortable enough to say those things that others might not have wanted to hear; you trust your therapist enough to talk about your struggles with trust. A good bond is especially important if you’re going to risk revealing aspects of yourself that are complicated by intense guilt, shame, or pain.
3. Complex problems require a therapist who knows what he or she is doing. If you have a complex problem, look for an experienced therapist, especially one who has experience with your type of concern, and one who has received good training. Be wary of the therapist who promises too much or claims to treat all types of problems. When looking for a therapist, don’t be afraid to shop around. (Tip: if the therapist has a website, don’t skip the “About” or “Bio” page.)
One final thing. Complex problems can be overwhelming, but it is possible to get better and to improve the quality of your life. Don’t give up.
- Post-traumatic stress disorder
- Recovery from sexual abuse
- Emotional injuries from childhood (e.g., neglect, emotional deprivation)
- Self-injury (e.g., cutting)
- Eating disorders
- Personal dysfunction
1. Complex problems require special sensitivity and care. By its very nature, therapy –– i.e., talking about the difficult and problematic aspects of one’s life –- can stir up negative feelings, especially anxiety. If you struggle with a complex problem, negative feelings may be especially difficult for you to manage, and it’s the therapist’s job to be mindful of this and to make sure we don’t try to go too fast.
2. Complex problems requires a strong therapeutic bond. If you have a complex problem, you want to feel as though you and your therapist are a good team. You both agree upon the goals for therapy; you feel comfortable enough to say those things that others might not have wanted to hear; you trust your therapist enough to talk about your struggles with trust. A good bond is especially important if you’re going to risk revealing aspects of yourself that are complicated by intense guilt, shame, or pain.
3. Complex problems require a therapist who knows what he or she is doing. If you have a complex problem, look for an experienced therapist, especially one who has experience with your type of concern, and one who has received good training. Be wary of the therapist who promises too much or claims to treat all types of problems. When looking for a therapist, don’t be afraid to shop around. (Tip: if the therapist has a website, don’t skip the “About” or “Bio” page.)
One final thing. Complex problems can be overwhelming, but it is possible to get better and to improve the quality of your life. Don’t give up.
Q and A with Dr. Gibson
01/31/12
Every now and then, people will ask questions. Here are some of the more common ones along with my answers.
Q: Why did you become a psychologist?
A: I became a psychologist because I’ve always been interested in people. I became a psychologist who practices therapy because I wanted to make a difference in other people’s lives.
Q: Does therapy really work?
A: Actually, the therapy process has been subjected to been hundreds of well-controlled studies. And what they show is that people who receive therapy are roughly 75 to 80 percent better off than those who don’t (with comparable issues). Having said that, I hasten to add that results vary and many factors contribute to the success of any given therapy experience, not the least of which is the client’s motivation.
Q: Aren’t most shrinks a little crazy themselves??
A: Stereotypes abound in our culture. Unfortunately, therapists are often poorly portrayed in movies and television. Most mental health professionals are hard-working, well-trained individuals who spend years learning their craft. They vary in terms of personality, style, gender, and personal issues. Fortunately, one does not need to be perfect to be helpful to another human being. One does need, however, to be well-trained, compassionate, and endowed with an ample amount of what we might call “emotional intelligence.”
Q: How can you understand me if you’ve not been through what I’ve been through?
A: This presumes that I use my own personal experience as the basis for understanding and helping my clients. Frankly, there is a lot more to it than that. The human psyche is (delightfully) complex. When I listen to people discuss their concerns, I rely considerably more on my training, professional experience, and knowledge than I do on my own personal experience.
Q: How can you stand to listen to people talk about their problems all day long?
A: To a large extent, I think therapy is a vocational calling. Not everybody is suited to do it, and certainly not everybody wants to do it. But for me, working with people is a privilege. I enjoy my work. I like the idea of helping people understand themselves (and others) better so they might lessen pain and improve their lives. My job isn’t for everybody, but it is for me.
Q: Who does therapy cost so much?
A: Actually, I think is a bargain when you consider the potential payoffs. You are your best asset. If you’re unhappy, depressed, anxious, stuck, struggling, lost, or whatever –– what would it be worth to you to move past this place and get on with life? For most people, it’s worth a lot. And the cost of not getting past this place is generally quite high.
Having said that, there are many expenses involved in being a therapist that are not immediately apparent. Therapists charges the fees they do because they need to account for their training, experience, inherent limitations on their time, continuing education, self-care, malpractice insurance, overhead, and more.
When you find a therapist who offers an unusually low fee, buyer beware. This may indicate someone who has no or little experience in the field, or someone who under-estimates the practical realities of running a therapy business for the long run. With therapy, you really do get what you pay for.
Q: What do you tell people who––
A: Let me stop you right there. Therapy is not about giving generalized advice. People are as unique as their fingerprints and the solutions that work for one person might not work for another. In therapy, I pains to understand you as you are. I tailor my approach to the needs of any given individual or couple. Problems may be universal (e.g., anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties), but the personal issues that drive those problems can be highly specific to a particular person. Because of this, generalized advice just won’t do. Therapy must be tailor made for you.
Q: On your “About” page it says you have an “exuberant” dog. What’s up with that?
A: I like dogs. Even dogs with high energy that live to play, walk, eat –- and play some more. As far as I’m concerned, dogs are pretty good teachers.
Q: Why did you become a psychologist?
A: I became a psychologist because I’ve always been interested in people. I became a psychologist who practices therapy because I wanted to make a difference in other people’s lives.
Q: Does therapy really work?
A: Actually, the therapy process has been subjected to been hundreds of well-controlled studies. And what they show is that people who receive therapy are roughly 75 to 80 percent better off than those who don’t (with comparable issues). Having said that, I hasten to add that results vary and many factors contribute to the success of any given therapy experience, not the least of which is the client’s motivation.
Q: Aren’t most shrinks a little crazy themselves??
A: Stereotypes abound in our culture. Unfortunately, therapists are often poorly portrayed in movies and television. Most mental health professionals are hard-working, well-trained individuals who spend years learning their craft. They vary in terms of personality, style, gender, and personal issues. Fortunately, one does not need to be perfect to be helpful to another human being. One does need, however, to be well-trained, compassionate, and endowed with an ample amount of what we might call “emotional intelligence.”
Q: How can you understand me if you’ve not been through what I’ve been through?
A: This presumes that I use my own personal experience as the basis for understanding and helping my clients. Frankly, there is a lot more to it than that. The human psyche is (delightfully) complex. When I listen to people discuss their concerns, I rely considerably more on my training, professional experience, and knowledge than I do on my own personal experience.
Q: How can you stand to listen to people talk about their problems all day long?
A: To a large extent, I think therapy is a vocational calling. Not everybody is suited to do it, and certainly not everybody wants to do it. But for me, working with people is a privilege. I enjoy my work. I like the idea of helping people understand themselves (and others) better so they might lessen pain and improve their lives. My job isn’t for everybody, but it is for me.
Q: Who does therapy cost so much?
A: Actually, I think is a bargain when you consider the potential payoffs. You are your best asset. If you’re unhappy, depressed, anxious, stuck, struggling, lost, or whatever –– what would it be worth to you to move past this place and get on with life? For most people, it’s worth a lot. And the cost of not getting past this place is generally quite high.
Having said that, there are many expenses involved in being a therapist that are not immediately apparent. Therapists charges the fees they do because they need to account for their training, experience, inherent limitations on their time, continuing education, self-care, malpractice insurance, overhead, and more.
When you find a therapist who offers an unusually low fee, buyer beware. This may indicate someone who has no or little experience in the field, or someone who under-estimates the practical realities of running a therapy business for the long run. With therapy, you really do get what you pay for.
Q: What do you tell people who––
A: Let me stop you right there. Therapy is not about giving generalized advice. People are as unique as their fingerprints and the solutions that work for one person might not work for another. In therapy, I pains to understand you as you are. I tailor my approach to the needs of any given individual or couple. Problems may be universal (e.g., anxiety, depression, relationship difficulties), but the personal issues that drive those problems can be highly specific to a particular person. Because of this, generalized advice just won’t do. Therapy must be tailor made for you.
Q: On your “About” page it says you have an “exuberant” dog. What’s up with that?
A: I like dogs. Even dogs with high energy that live to play, walk, eat –- and play some more. As far as I’m concerned, dogs are pretty good teachers.
Six Reasons Why it's Difficult to Stick to Your New Year's Resolutions
01/04/12
- You aren’t as committed to change as you thought.
- The change you’re trying to make is too radical.
- You are trying to change more than one thing at a time.
- You let a “lapse” turn into a “relapse.”
- Your plan is missing something.
- You’ve lost your focus.
Okay, so what you can do about it?
First ask yourself a question: Are you really ready to make this change now? Don’t be afraid to admit it if you aren’t. There is no reason to think you have to work on something now just because you’ve flipped the calendar over to a new year.
On the other hand, if you’re serious about making a change, you’ll have make a deep and abiding commitment to it. One way to do this is to make a list of payoffs that the change would provide. The longer your list, the more likely you are to stay motivated. A benefits list also provides something you can refer back to on tough days.
Negotiate with Resistance. Your mind and body will resist change because of built-in homeostatic mechanisms. As you step into the zone of discomfort, your psyche may very well send you the signal that it much prefers the status quo, thank you very much. This can be true even when the status quo is hurting you. (Example: social anxiety holds people back and it costs them. Moving towards more social behavior will increases anxiety, at least for a while, but this doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do.)
You probably won’t make resistance go away entirely. Change, at least the kinds that matter most, are rarely comfortable. But you can negotiate with it by changing just one thing at a time, or by making the change small. Either one of these strategies is more likely to lead to success.
Don’t let a lapse become a relapse. Reverting back to old behavior (falling off the wagon) is to be expected. This because change is rarely linear. Usually it’s more like two or three steps forward and one step back. What matters is the overall trend. When a lapse turns into a relapse, it usually means we’ve fallen into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking –- we’ve let ourselves believe one mistake (or one bad day) spoils the whole program. When that happens, it’s a short step to chucking the entire change business. Be mindful of the tricks cognitive errors can play on your progress: keep lapses in perspective.
Re-examine your plan. For example, if you’re decreasing old behavior, are you replacing it with something else? When discomfort, tension, fatigue, or anxiety sets in, how will you cope? Who will support your efforts? (Never underestimate the value of having emotional support.)
Track your change. If you don’t track your change somehow, it’s easy to lost sight of it and get distracted by other things. Tracking change helps you keep your goals and progress at the forefront of your mind. This is important because your attention is a limited resource. These days, there are countless ways to track change. You can find tools on the web, or simply create your own (e.g., spreadsheet, journal).
No Silver Bullets
01/03/12
A silver bullet has come to be a metaphor for the idea of having single solution that creates maximum results. But when it comes to stress, personal problems, symptom relief, or maladaptive patterns, there are no silver bullets.
In therapy, we pay attention to the particulars of your unique psychology. Perceptions, thoughts, feelings, motivations, beliefs, fears, wishes, dreams, personal history, relationships –- these are just some of the elements that may be contributing to your distress. Because your psyche is so complex, solutions to your problems, whatever they are, are unlikely to be simple.
In therapy, we pay attention to the particulars of your unique psychology. Perceptions, thoughts, feelings, motivations, beliefs, fears, wishes, dreams, personal history, relationships –- these are just some of the elements that may be contributing to your distress. Because your psyche is so complex, solutions to your problems, whatever they are, are unlikely to be simple.
How You Might Benefit from Therapy
12/22/11
Good therapy always starts with careful listening. If years of practice have taught me anything, it’s that the human psyche is marvelously complex. When people experience distress, or rather, when they feel enough distress to “talk to someone,” it usually means they’ve had enough of feeling the way they feel, but the problem, whatever it is, is either not going away or not yielding to their usual ways of coping with life.
As a psychologist, I listen carefully because it’s foolhardy to think I could know all about you without taking pains to understand the complexity of your circumstances, psyche, and history.
Unlike common advice, which gives you universal solutions to ordinary problems, therapy is tailor-made specifically for you. Every person has a story to tell about who she (or he) is and how she came to be, and more often than not her distress is woven into the broader narrative of her life. I don’t just listen with my ears; I use my eyes and heart, too. In the early part of therapy, my job is to make sure you feel understood.
But therapy is more than just careful listening; it’s also about giving input.
As human beings, we are bound by our own subjectivity. We have blind-spots. We may not grasp the big picture of our personalities because we are on inside of ourselves looking out. This is where a therapist can be especially valuable to you. Whether you’re trying to change something about yourself, or accept something (a vastly under-appreciated aspect of therapy), it’s always helpful to have someone who can help you discover themes, patterns, and biased views you have about yourself. Just as you need someone to understand you, you may also need someone to interpret, challenge, or confront a mindset that’s holding you back.
Of course, this sort of input needs to done with sensitivity and care. Therapy is never about passing judgment or requiring people to change. Rather, it’s about self-understanding, other-understanding, and sorting out the complexities of your emotional life. New information about the self often brings with it new possibilities for the self.
Emotional distress, symptoms, and vexing personal problems are your psyche’s way of informing you that something about your life isn’t working. In therapy, we tune into the message, puzzle over it, and figure out just what actions you might take to make your state of mind better.
As a psychologist, I listen carefully because it’s foolhardy to think I could know all about you without taking pains to understand the complexity of your circumstances, psyche, and history.
Unlike common advice, which gives you universal solutions to ordinary problems, therapy is tailor-made specifically for you. Every person has a story to tell about who she (or he) is and how she came to be, and more often than not her distress is woven into the broader narrative of her life. I don’t just listen with my ears; I use my eyes and heart, too. In the early part of therapy, my job is to make sure you feel understood.
But therapy is more than just careful listening; it’s also about giving input.
As human beings, we are bound by our own subjectivity. We have blind-spots. We may not grasp the big picture of our personalities because we are on inside of ourselves looking out. This is where a therapist can be especially valuable to you. Whether you’re trying to change something about yourself, or accept something (a vastly under-appreciated aspect of therapy), it’s always helpful to have someone who can help you discover themes, patterns, and biased views you have about yourself. Just as you need someone to understand you, you may also need someone to interpret, challenge, or confront a mindset that’s holding you back.
Of course, this sort of input needs to done with sensitivity and care. Therapy is never about passing judgment or requiring people to change. Rather, it’s about self-understanding, other-understanding, and sorting out the complexities of your emotional life. New information about the self often brings with it new possibilities for the self.
Emotional distress, symptoms, and vexing personal problems are your psyche’s way of informing you that something about your life isn’t working. In therapy, we tune into the message, puzzle over it, and figure out just what actions you might take to make your state of mind better.
Second Therapy Session: "What should I talk about?"
12/15/11
Maybe you’ve had your first session. You’ve explained your problem or concern to your therapist, and you felt like he understood you. Moreover, you feel comfortable talking to him, and you’ve decided that therapy is right for you. Things are looking up, and maybe, just maybe, you are starting to feel better already.
But when the next session rolls around and you think, “Now what? What do I talk about?”
Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking.
These are just some ideas for getting started, for getting more deeply acquainted with your own psychology.
Don’t worry. I promise you, we’ll have something to talk about.
But when the next session rolls around and you think, “Now what? What do I talk about?”
Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking.
- When you reflect on the week, what were the key events, problematic areas, or stresses?
- What thoughts came to you since we last me? Did our prior session prompt any new reflections?
- Take a moment and go inside yourself. Let your “mud settle,” as a Taoist might say. What are aware of right now? What do you feel? What’s on the top of your mind? Dive deep into your immediate experience.
- What is the status of the problem that brought you here? Is it the same? Different? Better? Worse?
- Did you try anything different? Did you take an actions that might improve your life? What were they? Evaluate them. Think of them as mini-experiments in how to live. What steps might you take?
- If you took steps but they didn’t work, what got in the way? What blocked your progress?
- Did your psyche present you with any dreams?
- Likewise, are you a daydreamer? Where do your daydreams take you? Do you see any themes?
- What things in your life are you avoiding? Avoidance and anxiety go together like hand and glove. Where are your deepest anxieties?
- Relationships matter –– a lot. Relationships have the power to hurt us, help us, and heal us. Relationships also provide a context for learning something about ourselves. We discover who we are in relation to other people. How have your relationships influenced you?
These are just some ideas for getting started, for getting more deeply acquainted with your own psychology.
Don’t worry. I promise you, we’ll have something to talk about.
Are "Counseling" and "Therapy" the Same Thing?
11/29/11
Technically speaking, no. But in everyday language these words have become interchangeable.
Consider an example. If you’re looking to make a career change, you can seek out “career counseling” (which I sometimes do, by the way), but no one would mistake this service for psychotherapy. It simply does not have the psychological depth that true psychotherapy does. “Counseling” is a broad term. (An attorney will give you legal “counsel,” for instance.)
Admittedly, the line between “personal” counseling and psychotherapy can be so thin as be appear invisible. Which is probably why these words have come to be used as synonyms for each other. But ideally, therapy should deal with your inner life, your relationships to self, others, and world, and your behavior patterns. “Personal” counseling is concerned with these same processes, though some practitioners shy away from using the counseling label because they think it does not imply the depth that the psychotherapy label does.
Unfortunately, all of this can be a little confusing if you are the person who is trying to get help. Psychotherapy is a pie that’s divided among psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and counselors. (There are also pastoral counselors and nurses with graduate degrees in mental health.) These days, most psychiatrists specialize in treating mental disorders with medications, leaving the other occupational groups to duke it out for a piece of the psychotherapy/counseling pie.
Unless you need medication, don’t get too caught up in the title or degree when you’re looking for a mental health practitioner. What you want is the right practitioner, one who has experience with your type of concern. You also want to feel comfortable with that person. As it turns out, the fit between client and therapist is a bit mysterious. It’s not always clear why one pair clicks and another doesn’t. What we do know, however, is that this bond or connection is crucial to establishing a good working relationship. Indeed, a good relationship is a much stronger predictor of therapeutic success than the title or degree held by the practitioner.
In sum: I don’t care if you call me a psychologist, psychotherapist, therapist, or counselor. Frankly, I am all of these things. What I do care about, however, is whether you and I can establish a productive relationship that is useful to you. The stakes of your emotional life are just too high for it to be otherwise.
Consider an example. If you’re looking to make a career change, you can seek out “career counseling” (which I sometimes do, by the way), but no one would mistake this service for psychotherapy. It simply does not have the psychological depth that true psychotherapy does. “Counseling” is a broad term. (An attorney will give you legal “counsel,” for instance.)
Admittedly, the line between “personal” counseling and psychotherapy can be so thin as be appear invisible. Which is probably why these words have come to be used as synonyms for each other. But ideally, therapy should deal with your inner life, your relationships to self, others, and world, and your behavior patterns. “Personal” counseling is concerned with these same processes, though some practitioners shy away from using the counseling label because they think it does not imply the depth that the psychotherapy label does.
Unfortunately, all of this can be a little confusing if you are the person who is trying to get help. Psychotherapy is a pie that’s divided among psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, and counselors. (There are also pastoral counselors and nurses with graduate degrees in mental health.) These days, most psychiatrists specialize in treating mental disorders with medications, leaving the other occupational groups to duke it out for a piece of the psychotherapy/counseling pie.
Unless you need medication, don’t get too caught up in the title or degree when you’re looking for a mental health practitioner. What you want is the right practitioner, one who has experience with your type of concern. You also want to feel comfortable with that person. As it turns out, the fit between client and therapist is a bit mysterious. It’s not always clear why one pair clicks and another doesn’t. What we do know, however, is that this bond or connection is crucial to establishing a good working relationship. Indeed, a good relationship is a much stronger predictor of therapeutic success than the title or degree held by the practitioner.
In sum: I don’t care if you call me a psychologist, psychotherapist, therapist, or counselor. Frankly, I am all of these things. What I do care about, however, is whether you and I can establish a productive relationship that is useful to you. The stakes of your emotional life are just too high for it to be otherwise.
Feeling Better vs. Getting Better
09/12/11
The aim of psychotherapy is to help you improve your life. It’s not enough just to feel better. We want you to actually get better. There is a difference.
When you feel better, you are less bothered by negative emotions, dark moods, and symptoms like anxiety and depression. Of course, we all want to feel good. No one wants to suffer needlessly. But getting better is more than just how you feel in the moment. It’s about identifying internal obstacles that are holding you back, pattern-breaking, and taking new action.
For some, getting better may mean restructuring the way they think, relate, or act. For others, it may mean calling old, dysfunctional beliefs out into the open and challenging their validity. For most, it will involve taking a close look at the ways they cope with stress, manage anxiety, or deal with internal conflict. If you really want to get better, and not just feel better, you’ll have to make a project of personal change.
Which is why psychotherapy isn’t for everybody. Many people just aren’t that interested in digging into their own psyche. It’s not that they don’t want solutions to their problems or concerns, it’s that they want a fast cure, a simple answer, or a solution that requires minimal effort. Therapy offers you none of these things.
Therapy requires hard work, collaboration, and willingness to endure feeling a bit unsettled while you’re in the process of sorting yourself out. Therapy isn’t just about talking, complaining, or venting, it’s about exploring new avenues for construction action.
Obviously you can take action on your own; you don’t need a therapist to make changes in your life. But there are advantages to working with a psychologist. We all have blindspots. Moreover, most of us do not see ourselves and our issues in the most objective light. A therapist can give you feedback, input, and insight that is tailored specifically to you and your situation. A therapist can also provide support, encouragement, and, if need be, the occasional well-placed nudge if you start to falter or backslide.
Sometimes people will make the mistake of leaving therapy as soon as they start to feel better. Their symptoms subside. They are no longer held hostage by a negative mood. Their hope has been restored. They'll leave a polite sounding message on my voicemail: "Thank you, but I think I'm going to postpone my next session." And then I won't here from them again. Fair enough. The client decides when enough is enough. But in these instances, I often feel as though it was a missed opportunity.
Ideally, therapy gets to the core. The core pain, the core issue, the hidden belief or feeling or motive. Real change –- change that endures –- takes time.
You can feel better with a few glasses of wine, a shopping spree, or an antidepressant regimen. But you can get better by stepping back, taking stock, and altering your behavior. This is what good therapy is about.
Common Fears About Seeing a Psychologist
08/17/11
- What will he think of me? Will he think I'm crazy, bad, or stupid?
- She'll diagnose me
- He'll try to talk about things I don't want to talk about
- She'll push me to do things I'm not ready to do
- It won't work anyway, so why bother?
- He'll try to psychoanalyze me
- She'll try to blame everything on my mother or father
- He'll be too stuffy
- She'll be too loosey-goosey
- He'll be like one of the t.v. shrinks in sitcoms
- She won't understand me
But here's what your psychologist is really trying to do...
- Understand you. See things from your point of view
- Join forces with you. Collaborate
- Put your problems / concerns in a context that makes sense
- Communicate his / her understand back to you –- to make sure it's right
- Understand your goals
- Figure out what you need, what's best for you
- Be professional but human
- Help you understand yourself better
- Help you understand others better
- Help you
Self-help
08/08/11
Maybe you don't want to go to a therapist. Maybe you don't think your problem is really that bad, or maybe you don't have the time, energy, or money. So what can you do?
You can read books. Books are a terrific source of information, and the right information, at the right time, can be very helpful. The first step in the change process is almost always to increase your level of awareness about your problem, issue, or pattern, and books are one way to do that. Of course, books will also offer you solutions. (See my very special book list)
You can try talking to a friend, confidant, or clergy member. We all need a sympathetic ear from time-to-time. We need objective feedback, but also somebody who cares about us. Ideally, try to pick someone who does not have a stake in your problem (which is often the issue with family members who try to help us). A true connection with another, caring person will probably make more difference than any other self-help remedy you can try.
You can try expressive writing. That is, writing candidly about your emotions or problems. Believe it or not, research has found that expressive writing really does help. Interestingly enough, it helps our bodies, not just our psyches.
You can try exercise. Maybe you're sick of hearing about the benefits of exercise, but the truth is, it's a cheap form of therapy. Research has shown that exercise helps with both anxiety and depression. It just works.
You can try taking vacation from work. Any emotional problem is made worst by stress. And for many, work is stressful. A vacation won't solve your problems per se, but a little time away from work may allow you to rest a bit, or play, which in turn may result in a change of perspective about your real problems.
Learn to meditate. There are simple forms of meditative breathing practices that can help. There's a reason why meditation has long been a part of some of many religious traditions, and there's reason why holistic approaches to medicine have become so popular, and why, these days, the trend in mental health is towards "mindfulness." Meditation works. Meditation calms the body.
If these remedies don't work, well, maybe therapy is what you need.
You can read books. Books are a terrific source of information, and the right information, at the right time, can be very helpful. The first step in the change process is almost always to increase your level of awareness about your problem, issue, or pattern, and books are one way to do that. Of course, books will also offer you solutions. (See my very special book list)
You can try talking to a friend, confidant, or clergy member. We all need a sympathetic ear from time-to-time. We need objective feedback, but also somebody who cares about us. Ideally, try to pick someone who does not have a stake in your problem (which is often the issue with family members who try to help us). A true connection with another, caring person will probably make more difference than any other self-help remedy you can try.
You can try expressive writing. That is, writing candidly about your emotions or problems. Believe it or not, research has found that expressive writing really does help. Interestingly enough, it helps our bodies, not just our psyches.
You can try exercise. Maybe you're sick of hearing about the benefits of exercise, but the truth is, it's a cheap form of therapy. Research has shown that exercise helps with both anxiety and depression. It just works.
You can try taking vacation from work. Any emotional problem is made worst by stress. And for many, work is stressful. A vacation won't solve your problems per se, but a little time away from work may allow you to rest a bit, or play, which in turn may result in a change of perspective about your real problems.
Learn to meditate. There are simple forms of meditative breathing practices that can help. There's a reason why meditation has long been a part of some of many religious traditions, and there's reason why holistic approaches to medicine have become so popular, and why, these days, the trend in mental health is towards "mindfulness." Meditation works. Meditation calms the body.
If these remedies don't work, well, maybe therapy is what you need.
Advice vs. Therapy
08/06/11
In social situations, when people find out I'm a psychologist, it's not uncommon for someone to pull me aside and say, "So what advice would you give for problem _____ ?" (Fill in the blank with your favorite personal problem.)
People confuse advice with therapy, but they are very different things. When we give advice, we're passing on universal solutions for problems that are usually straightforward. Frankly, the right advice can be a godsend under the right conditions. And fortunately, many of life's problems and frustrations can be solved this way. Human beings can profit from the experience of their neighbors, friends, and resident experts.
But personal problems are usually complex. Moreover, part of what makes them so vexing is that they don't always yield to logic. But there's a reason for this. Personal problems may involve thought patterns, suppressed feelings, hidden motivations, self-limiting beliefs, defenses against conflict or emotional pain, and not-so-obvious payoffs for dysfunctional or unproductive behavior. If your problem is not solved by common advice –– that is to say, "one-size-fits-all" solutions –– it may very well be that your psyche is running at cross purposes with itself.
When someone gives you advice, they're giving you generalized information, a solution that should work for everybody who has this problem. But when a practitioner provides you with therapy, you're getting a process that is ultimately tailored to you and your unique situation. Therapy helps you understand the complexities of your own personality and psyche, but it also helps you understand the forces that keep you stuck.
In any case, you can imagine how much I dislike the advice question when it crops up, say, at a dinner party. Usually, I turn to the person and say, "Well, that depends..."
People confuse advice with therapy, but they are very different things. When we give advice, we're passing on universal solutions for problems that are usually straightforward. Frankly, the right advice can be a godsend under the right conditions. And fortunately, many of life's problems and frustrations can be solved this way. Human beings can profit from the experience of their neighbors, friends, and resident experts.
But personal problems are usually complex. Moreover, part of what makes them so vexing is that they don't always yield to logic. But there's a reason for this. Personal problems may involve thought patterns, suppressed feelings, hidden motivations, self-limiting beliefs, defenses against conflict or emotional pain, and not-so-obvious payoffs for dysfunctional or unproductive behavior. If your problem is not solved by common advice –– that is to say, "one-size-fits-all" solutions –– it may very well be that your psyche is running at cross purposes with itself.
When someone gives you advice, they're giving you generalized information, a solution that should work for everybody who has this problem. But when a practitioner provides you with therapy, you're getting a process that is ultimately tailored to you and your unique situation. Therapy helps you understand the complexities of your own personality and psyche, but it also helps you understand the forces that keep you stuck.
In any case, you can imagine how much I dislike the advice question when it crops up, say, at a dinner party. Usually, I turn to the person and say, "Well, that depends..."
Do you need a "life coach"...or a therapist?
08/05/11
Are you dissatisfied or are you distressed? Coaches help people become more satisfied, happy, clear, or productive. Therapists help people feel better.
Coaches are fond of saying they ask the right questions to get you back on track. They focus on the here-and-now, not your personal past. They don't deal with your emotions. So if you've got a time management problem, or a procrastination problem, or you're trying to figure how to achieve your dreams, working with a coach may very well be exactly what you need.
But if you're struggling with some form of a emotional pain –- depression, anxiety, global distress, anger, relationship distress –- or you're struggling to function –- sleep, work, eat, play, relate –– don't call a coach, see a therapist.
What is therapy for?
08/04/11
- Therapy helps you feel better.
- Therapy helps you understand the nuanced dynamics of relationships.
- Therapy helps you understand yourself better (e.g., your true nature, motivations, strengths).
- Therapy helps you grow as a person.
- Therapy helps you alleviate symptoms (e.g., depression, anxiety).
- Therapy helps you function better.
- Therapy helps you cope with stressful experiences.
- Therapy helps you face your fears.
- Therapy helps you clarify your purpose in life, or your direction.
Therapy can help you do all of these things, or some of these things, depending on your goals and your willingness to commit to the process.
What therapy is not, however, is a passive experience. Therapy requires your full participation. Therapy requires you to join forces with another human being who just happens to be a trained professional.
The general idea of therapy looks like this: Therapy –––> insight into self –––> behavior change.
The above formula makes it looks so simple. But behavior change is anything but. Why? Because human beings resist change. Human beings seek self-consistency, even when that consistency produces unwanted results. The real value of a therapist is that he or she helps you work with, and through, resistance.
How Therapy Works
02/07/11
In an age where everybody communicates by text messages, social networks, e-mail and cell phones, the idea of meeting face-to-face with an actual person sounds almost quaint. And yet that's precisely what therapy is all about. It's about taking an hour every week or so to engage in honest communication about those aspects of your life that are most vital to your well-being.
The aim of therapy is to help you work your way through distress. Of course, distress can take many forms. Maybe you’re struggling with a set of symptoms, like those associated with anxiety or depression, or maybe you're trying to get a handle on a key relationship. Or maybe life has sent you a curve ball––a divorce, a job loss, or an illness––and your head is spinning.
If human beings functioned strictly according to logic and reason, we’d seldom run at cross purposes with ourselves. But human beings are emotional beings. We feel pain, compassion, joy, anger, sadness, fear, shame, and guilt–-and these feelings are rarely more powerfully felt than when they occur in the context of attachments with other people.
Therapy helps you deepen your understanding of yourself and those around you. As we begin to examine the particular nature of your distress, we’ll discover patterns. These patterns may involve contradictory feelings, hidden motivations, or maladaptive beliefs that bias your perception of the world. The good news is, once these patterns are identified, they are changeable, especially if you are open to new possibilities.
It takes courage to seek therapy. Many people avoid it because they are afraid that being in therapy (read as: asking for help) makes them weak. But does it really make you a weak if you are willing face those aspects of your life that are not working? Or does it make you courageous?
Or maybe even smart.
Suppose I put it like this: If you were faced with the task of crossing a mountain range that you were unfamiliar with, would you rather go it alone or hire a guide?
A psychologist is a guide. He knows the territory of the human psyche. If you're trying to overcome an emotional issue, yes, you can go it alone. But a guide will help you reach your destination more quickly, especially if you’re prone to run in circles.
Give therapy a try. You might be surprised by how much it helps.
The aim of therapy is to help you work your way through distress. Of course, distress can take many forms. Maybe you’re struggling with a set of symptoms, like those associated with anxiety or depression, or maybe you're trying to get a handle on a key relationship. Or maybe life has sent you a curve ball––a divorce, a job loss, or an illness––and your head is spinning.
If human beings functioned strictly according to logic and reason, we’d seldom run at cross purposes with ourselves. But human beings are emotional beings. We feel pain, compassion, joy, anger, sadness, fear, shame, and guilt–-and these feelings are rarely more powerfully felt than when they occur in the context of attachments with other people.
Therapy helps you deepen your understanding of yourself and those around you. As we begin to examine the particular nature of your distress, we’ll discover patterns. These patterns may involve contradictory feelings, hidden motivations, or maladaptive beliefs that bias your perception of the world. The good news is, once these patterns are identified, they are changeable, especially if you are open to new possibilities.
It takes courage to seek therapy. Many people avoid it because they are afraid that being in therapy (read as: asking for help) makes them weak. But does it really make you a weak if you are willing face those aspects of your life that are not working? Or does it make you courageous?
Or maybe even smart.
Suppose I put it like this: If you were faced with the task of crossing a mountain range that you were unfamiliar with, would you rather go it alone or hire a guide?
A psychologist is a guide. He knows the territory of the human psyche. If you're trying to overcome an emotional issue, yes, you can go it alone. But a guide will help you reach your destination more quickly, especially if you’re prone to run in circles.
Give therapy a try. You might be surprised by how much it helps.
Seeing a Psychologist for the First Time
10/05/10
First, it's okay to be nervous. Just about everybody is. If you think about it, this normal because you're about to meet with a stranger to talk about your personal life.
If you're like most people, you've already begun to think about what you might say. And yet, even as you say it to yourself, well, it sounds crazy. You wonder, do you really need therapy, after all? And who says this process will actually help anyway; it's just talk, after all. How does talking help people? Can't your just talk one of your good friends?
Then again, you're tired of feeling the way you feel. Whatever the problem is, you're sick of it and you want it to go away. You're tired of feeling stuck. If the problem is serious, maybe you feel stuck and embarrassed or ashamed. How did it come to this? What will this guy think of you? Will he judge you? Diagnosis you?
So you go to your first appointment. When you arrive in his waiting room––is this the place?–-you see that it's not nearly as big as your physician's office. No one else is there. Just you. And then him, when he comes out of his office to greet you. He invites you into his office. Oh my, he actually has a couch. Are you expected to lay down? Is this psychoanalysis? If it is, this isn't what you signed for. He smiles. No, he says, the couch is for sitting. The couch comes in handy when couples come to his office.
So you sit down. Your anxiety has spiked a bit, especially when he asks you where you'd like to start. Hey, isn't that his job? Isn't he supposed to ask lots of questions...?
###
Hi. I'm Dr. Gibson, but please feel free to call me John.
Take a moment to settle yourself. A deep breath sometimes helps. And take your time; we're not in a hurry. Start anywhere. Yes, I'll help you with questions. (What's the problem? Can you give me and example of the problem?) My goal at this point is to listen to carefully to you to make sure I understand things from your point-of-view.
You may wondering whether I’ll think your crazy, bizarre, or abnormal. Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret: everybody has problems and issues, even psychologists. It's difficult to be human and not have problems of one sort or another.
You may be worried about whether I’ll secretly pass judgment on you, especially if you reveal some of your darkest thoughts and feelings, your problems, or stuff you done that you’re proud of. To the contrary, passing judgment rarely helps anybody. Showing compassion, however, does.
You may worried you’ll be “just another case of [x],” and that I’ll come across as too clinical. But nothing could be farther from the truth. My clients are people, not cases. They have distinct personalities, feelings, hopes and dreams, and yes, distress. I'm in the business of investing in people, in helping them create new possibilities. A case is something you study; a client is someone you help.
Although first session often feels unsettling, most people find themselves relaxing into it as we proceed. In part, this because they are putting their problems into words, and frankly, this can be helpful in and of itself because it often permits the release of negative emotions. But also, most clients come to experience me as an ally, a person who joins forces with them against their problem. Obviously I cannot do psychological work for my clients, but I do know the territory pretty well. I am a resourceful guide.
At the end of your first session, you'll want to ask yourself how comfortable you feel talking to me. In therapy (as in life) fit is everything. Not every individual or couple naturally fits with every therapist. You want to feel understood, and know that this therapist has experience with your type of problem.
Therapy is not friendship; it's a professional relationship that's asymmetrical relationship by design. Unlike friendship, which has a natural give-and-take, in therapy the focus is always on you.
Welcome. Let's make therapy a productive experience for you.
Psychodynamic Therapy is an Evidence-Based Practice
06/06/10
Although it’s very common for individuals to call my office in search of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, it’s rare for someone to call and ask for Psychodynamic Therapy.
And yet recent research has now shown psychodynamic therapy to be an “evidence-based” practice. In other words, research shows it works.
(Click here to see the article featured in Scientific American. This article highlights the work of Jonathan Shedler, who conducted a meta-analysis to show that psychodynamic therapy is indeed effective. Meta-analysis is a sophisticated statistical technique for putting studies on a common yardstick so that can be quantitatively compared).
What is psychodynamic therapy?
Well, for starters it’s not psychoanalysis, though many people erroneously equate the two.
Whereas cognitive therapy places emphasis on cognition or thought, distorted thinking, and dysfunctional beliefs, psychodynamic therapy places emphasis on emotion, processes of self-deception, anxiety, and hidden feelings -- in the context of relationships.
Whereas cognitive therapy stays strictly in the here-and-now, psychodynamic therapy places symptoms and problems in the context of one’s personal history.
Whereas cognitive therapy relies heavily on psycho-education (how thoughts influences emotions and behaviors), psychodynamic therapy relies on discovering patterns and themes in the patient’s psychological life, which may be just outside of the patient’s everyday awareness.
Cognitive therapy has received a great deal of air-play in the last couple decades, so people are aware of it. And frankly, unlike psychodynamic therapy, cognitive therapy is easy to understand. But some problems do not yield to cognitive interventions. Sometimes we really do need to get dig just a bit deeper into the psyche to resolve certain types of difficulties. Psychodynamic therapy is one way to go about that. It’s nice to see researchers put their stamp of approval on the method.
And yet recent research has now shown psychodynamic therapy to be an “evidence-based” practice. In other words, research shows it works.
(Click here to see the article featured in Scientific American. This article highlights the work of Jonathan Shedler, who conducted a meta-analysis to show that psychodynamic therapy is indeed effective. Meta-analysis is a sophisticated statistical technique for putting studies on a common yardstick so that can be quantitatively compared).
What is psychodynamic therapy?
Well, for starters it’s not psychoanalysis, though many people erroneously equate the two.
Whereas cognitive therapy places emphasis on cognition or thought, distorted thinking, and dysfunctional beliefs, psychodynamic therapy places emphasis on emotion, processes of self-deception, anxiety, and hidden feelings -- in the context of relationships.
Whereas cognitive therapy stays strictly in the here-and-now, psychodynamic therapy places symptoms and problems in the context of one’s personal history.
Whereas cognitive therapy relies heavily on psycho-education (how thoughts influences emotions and behaviors), psychodynamic therapy relies on discovering patterns and themes in the patient’s psychological life, which may be just outside of the patient’s everyday awareness.
Cognitive therapy has received a great deal of air-play in the last couple decades, so people are aware of it. And frankly, unlike psychodynamic therapy, cognitive therapy is easy to understand. But some problems do not yield to cognitive interventions. Sometimes we really do need to get dig just a bit deeper into the psyche to resolve certain types of difficulties. Psychodynamic therapy is one way to go about that. It’s nice to see researchers put their stamp of approval on the method.
On Finding a Therapist
05/03/10
It takes a bit work to find the right therapist, doesn’t it?
Do you go with a psychologist (PhD), social worker (MSW), or counselor (MS or MA)? Do you search for a therapist who is the same gender as you, or who is about the same age? Can you rely on your insurance company to point you in the right direction, or should you ask around to find out who’s good? Or do you just figure they’re all pretty much the same, so why not hunt for the therapist with the lowest rates?
Well, folks, here’s what the research says.
Age, gender, and academic degree have not been show to be strong predictors of therapist effectiveness. In other words, men can do effective work with women (and vice versa) and young therapists can work effectively with older clients. Moreover, psychologists tend to be just as effective as social workers or practitioners with other degrees.
What does matter is whether your therapist has had experience with your type of problem, and how comfortable you feel when you talk to him (or her). These are the two things you should be looking for.
It’s relatively easy to determine the therapist’s level of experience (you can do this from a website, or a quick telephone conversation). But the only way you can truly figure out how comfortable you feel talking to the therapist is to make an appointment and try him out for a session.
So much of what happens in therapy depends on the therapy relationship itself. Our dentist or physician may work on us, but our psychotherapist can only work with us. We must trust her enough to disclose highly personal and private information, and we must rely upon her support as we confront those aspects of ourselves that we feel least proud of.
Don’t pick your therapist on the basis of gender, age, credential, race, reputation, or price. Pick him (her) on the basis of his experience and how comfortable you feeling sitting across from him in his office.
What it's like to be in Therapy
10/29/09
A few years back, I taught a graduate class in group therapy. One of the exercises I had the students do was to break into small groups and complete the following exercise: “Each of you will have five minutes to talk about yourself. While one member is talking, the other members must listen intently. What you talk about is entirely up to you, but you must talk for the entire time and the other members of the group must listen with respect and without comment.” After the exercise was completed, we’d come back to the class and talk about what happened.
What most students discovered was that five minutes of talking about yourself is actually harder than it sounds. They’d start out strong, talking the usual biographical identifiers like what program they were in, whether they were married or not, where they were from, what their goals were in pursing a graduate studies, and so forth. But they tended to exhaust this public-self information fairly quickly. Then they had to decide what to reveal about their private-self. Mind you, I put no stipulation on what they talked about. That was entirely their call.
The point of the lesson was to get the student-therapists to reflect on what their future clients might be experiencing when they came to therapy for the first time. The first-time client is faced with trying to figure not just what to say, but how much to say, and how to say it. It’s not unusual for people think about going to therapy for a while before they actually get themselves to that first appointment. After all, maybe the problem will go away, or maybe they’ll be able to resolve it on their own. If they finally decide that therapy is what they need, they’ve generally had some time to rehearse what they’re going to say--at least for those opening few minutes. After that, they’re not sure what to expect.
Here’s the thing: therapy is all about the private self. What you think about and feel; what want and need from others; how your react; and more. If therapy is to be life-changing, we must plunge into the deep waters of your subjective world. This is where real change happens.
Therapy is not about one person giving advice to another. Rather, it’s about one person inviting another person to make contact with their truest, deepest, most private self. When this happens, you forge an inner strength. You become clearer about who you are and about what you need to do make your life better.
Related post: Will Therapy Help?
The Way I Work
06/21/09
When I originally set up my practice several years ago, one of the promises I made to myself was that I would create an environment that would allow me to do my very best work. I could have joined a group practice, but the idea of working solo appealed to my introverted nature. Likewise, I could have hired a support staff (associates, receptionist, billing specialist) to make a my practice bigger, but I what I really wanted to do was to make something that was simple by design.
If you rummage through my blog, you'll find a post in which I suggest that happiness may be a by-product of playing to one's strengths. Frankly, this is why I set up my practice the way I did. I sought to leverage my strengths as a practitioner. Rather than try to be all things to all people, I narrowed my focus. For instance, I don’t provide psychological testing, therapy for children, group therapy, or evaluation for the courts. These are valuable services but they not my areas of strength. What I do best, I believe, is provide individual and couple therapy for adults.
And I have strong feelings about the way I believe a therapy practice should be run. For instance, I do not believe in providing therapy as if you were running an assembly line––that is, seeing as many patients as possible in any given workday to maximize your income. When practitioners take this approach, it's easy to fall into the trap of treating every client the same, regardless of his or her situation, problem, or personality. I don't think this is the way good therapy is done. Rather, every therapy must be tailored to meet the needs of any given individual or client.
Of course, doing therapy this way means that I have to place thoughtful limits on how much I do and the way I do it. It also means that I have opted not to take on managed care contracts, which offer practitioners a higher volume of referrals in exchange for discounted fees. I prefer quality of service over quantity. If I have an advantage over big practices that do work with managed care companies, it’s that in my practice nobody slips between the cracks. Every client I work gets my complete and undivided attention.
I suppose you could my life has a quest: I have devoted my adult life to understanding the human psyche. Even though my graduate school days are long gone, I still study. I seek out the best information I can find, from the best minds and the most talented researchers. I reflect on my life and the lives of others, and I seek wisdom wherever I can find it. My job is to help people alleviate distress and create more meaningful lives. This is what I do. This is who I am.
Will Therapy Help?
06/04/09
If this were an infomercial, I’d promise that therapy can help anyone, anytime, anywhere, and I’d guarantee results in thirty days or your money back. But this isn’t a commercial and I’m not trying to sell you anything.
Frankly, therapy is work. When it comes to alleviating distress or creating personal growth, effortless change is a myth. If you want the pain to stop, regardless of the form it takes, you’ll have to direct your attention to your inner life, your relationships, and your actions. You’ll have to seek new insights into who you really are, and you’ll have to tolerate the anxiety that invariably comes from giving old patterns and trying new ones.
Still with me? I hope so. Because therapy works for most people, most of the time. Research consistently shows that people who undergo therapy are better off than approximately 75-80 % of the people who don’t (but have comparable problems or concerns). Frankly, therapy results may not be be guaranteed, but these are pretty good odds, if you ask me.
Psychotherapy asks you to reflect deeply on your life: who you are, what you think, what you feel, and what you do. Believe it or not, this is not as easy as it sounds. All of us, it seems, are prone to a bit of self-deception. One of the benefits of working with a therapist is that he or she can help by virtue of having a measure of objectivity about you that you might not have. Of course, only you know what it’s like to be to you and to have had your life experiences. But if you’re like most of us, you will not always see yourself clearly. This is where a therapist can help you. A therapist will listen carefully to you and work very hard to understand you and your situation from your point-of-view. But after getting to know you, he or she will have insights about you that you may not have had. These insights, by the way, are informed by psychological knowledge and clinical experience. Your therapist tries to give you input that is unique to your particular psychology. This is the beginning to change.
Sometimes I get e-mails from people who are surfing the web, looking for answers. Maybe they want therapy, or maybe they’re just sending out missives to let somebody in the world know that they’re hurting. I always write them back and I invite them to call my office if they are serious about therapy. Usually, I don’t hear back. (The person who is serious about starting therapy is more apt to pick up the phone in the first place and make an appointment.) But I always wonder about the e-mailer I never hear back from. Did they find another therapist? Did they find a solution? Did they decided to bear the status quo for a little longer? Or were they doubtful about whether therapy--the so-called “talking cure”--could actually help them?
Again, if this were an infomercial, I’d say yes, absolutely, results guaranteed. But I tend to believe people are smarter than that. They know infomercials prey on their frustrations and secret wishes for easy, fast results (we all have them). Better, I say, to tell the truth. Therapy can help, but only if you’re willing to throw yourself into the project of finding out who you really are.
Frankly, therapy is work. When it comes to alleviating distress or creating personal growth, effortless change is a myth. If you want the pain to stop, regardless of the form it takes, you’ll have to direct your attention to your inner life, your relationships, and your actions. You’ll have to seek new insights into who you really are, and you’ll have to tolerate the anxiety that invariably comes from giving old patterns and trying new ones.
Still with me? I hope so. Because therapy works for most people, most of the time. Research consistently shows that people who undergo therapy are better off than approximately 75-80 % of the people who don’t (but have comparable problems or concerns). Frankly, therapy results may not be be guaranteed, but these are pretty good odds, if you ask me.
Psychotherapy asks you to reflect deeply on your life: who you are, what you think, what you feel, and what you do. Believe it or not, this is not as easy as it sounds. All of us, it seems, are prone to a bit of self-deception. One of the benefits of working with a therapist is that he or she can help by virtue of having a measure of objectivity about you that you might not have. Of course, only you know what it’s like to be to you and to have had your life experiences. But if you’re like most of us, you will not always see yourself clearly. This is where a therapist can help you. A therapist will listen carefully to you and work very hard to understand you and your situation from your point-of-view. But after getting to know you, he or she will have insights about you that you may not have had. These insights, by the way, are informed by psychological knowledge and clinical experience. Your therapist tries to give you input that is unique to your particular psychology. This is the beginning to change.
Sometimes I get e-mails from people who are surfing the web, looking for answers. Maybe they want therapy, or maybe they’re just sending out missives to let somebody in the world know that they’re hurting. I always write them back and I invite them to call my office if they are serious about therapy. Usually, I don’t hear back. (The person who is serious about starting therapy is more apt to pick up the phone in the first place and make an appointment.) But I always wonder about the e-mailer I never hear back from. Did they find another therapist? Did they find a solution? Did they decided to bear the status quo for a little longer? Or were they doubtful about whether therapy--the so-called “talking cure”--could actually help them?
Again, if this were an infomercial, I’d say yes, absolutely, results guaranteed. But I tend to believe people are smarter than that. They know infomercials prey on their frustrations and secret wishes for easy, fast results (we all have them). Better, I say, to tell the truth. Therapy can help, but only if you’re willing to throw yourself into the project of finding out who you really are.